"Bad" jokes
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A few "bad" jokes to go with your GM style:)
Pants in the air. "Hey girls, do you know how you can tell whether you
liked us?" "No?" "Well tonight, when you get back to your hotel / dorm, and you
remove your panties, throw them in the air and if they stick to the ceiling /
wall, then that means that you liked us!" (Nathan Szilard, ASF: "I couldn't
fucking believe it, the girls laughed hysterically!!":)
The telepathic watch. You can act this one out with her or tell it as a
joke as a safer alternative:) "A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes
a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then
casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art
watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk
to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
then, because I am wearing panties!" The man starts tapping on the watch face
and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
The spermogram. This one is very usable separately as well, but better
not use it before you've made sure the girl is or would be comfortable with
sexual innuendoes. "A guy goes to a hospital to get a spermogram. The doctor
gives him a glass and ask him to fill it up. He goes home to try it with his
left hand, try it with his right hand and nothing. He asks for his wife to help,
she tries with her left hand, her right hand, her mouth, and nothing. Then
again, he asks for his daughter to help, she tries with her left hand, right
hand, mouth and nothing. He asked for her neighbour to help, a real HB, she
tries all that and nothing. Then, he goes back to the hospital and tells the
doctor: "Give me another glass. Nobody can open this one!"."
Rating system explained. This one is quite harsh for a girl and not
because of the sex-theme but rather because of the "rating girls" theme. Even
while laughing at this joke, she's bound to think "I wonder what she rates ME?".
Of course this could have her imagine all sorts of fun stuff like "I wonder if
I'm 8 / if he'd eat me?:)" but more probably than not, rating her, even if only
hypothetically, is a major turn-off for a girl. So you'd better use quoting if
you just have to tell this one ("I can't believe it, my friend just told me this
stupid joke…":).
Rating system explained:
7 You'd Fuck Her
8 You'd Eat Her
9 You'd Eat Her After You Fucked Her
10 You'd eat her after your Buddy Fucked Her!
Hurdles. What's this: Grab your upper lip with one hand, lower lip with
the other, and pull upper to left, lower to right, then upper to right, lower to
left, repeat 5 times, then open mouth a little wider while doing same for one
repetition, then 5 more repetitions as above.
Answer: view from below of girl doing 100 meter hurdles.
In a loud club. Not actually a continuation of the GM technique and you
won't get her with this one, but it'll probably cheer you up a little
nevertheless:)
You: "Do you want to dance?"
Her: (looking at you like a piece of shit she just stepped in) "no"
You: (looking confused then) "oooohh nonononono, I SAID....
YOU....LOOK...FAT,.....IN... THOSE....PANTS..." pointing:)
A modification in case you get snuffed asking the girl for a dance.
He: Hey Baby... wanna dance?
She: No.
He: Oh, C'mon! Lower you're standards a little. I did...:)
Doctor's appointment. One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the
husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The
wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries
to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This
time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
Voodoo dildo
(Here's a great joke to tell a woman you ALREADY have good rapport with or
already know well. Notice how it uses embedded commands to get her all hot and
horny)
This guy is leaving town on business for a week and he's starting to get a
little worried. You see, his wife is a nymphomaniac, and he knows that as soon
as he leaves, she'll start to GET VERY HORNY and think to herself, "YOU'VE GOT
TO GET SOME". So he goes to the adult toy shop to check out what they've got.
And he notices there's an ornately carved wood box behind the counter. So he
asks the salesman what it is, and the salesman says, "Oh...that's the voodoo
dildo. Here...let me show you." So the salesman opens the box, and there, lying
on a bed of red velvet is what looks like an ordinary vibrator. The salesman
says, "Watch this! Voodo dildo-door!". The voodoo dildo rises from the box and
flies across the room and begins banging like crazy against the keyhole! Before
it can break the door down, the salesman says, "Voodoo dildo-box!" and the dildo
soars back and gently lands in its box.
Well, needless to say, the guy HAS to have the voodoo dildo! At first the
salesman refuses but after an hour of haggling and $1000, the man walks off with
the magic dingus. He explains how it works to his wife, and kissing her goodbye,
sets off on his trip. Now, she resists using it for two days, but finally, she
starts to FEEL THE HORNINESS BUILDING INSIDE. She can't take it anymore, so she
opens the box and says, "Voodoo dildo-my pussy!". The voodoo dildo slams into
her and begins pumping her in every conceivable position and angle. She can't
believe the power and precision; she's getting it with exactly the right
strokes, exactly the right angles, exactly the right pressure and she starts to
HAVE ORGASM AFTER THUNDERING ORGASM."
After two hours, she can't take it any more, but she can't pull the damn thing
out! The harder she tries, the more it seems to change it's shape and adapt to
her, to fill her exactly the way she needs to to drive her to WANT IT MORE AND
MORE AND MORE WITHOUT STOPPING! She tries calling 911, but they don't believe
her! So she decides to drive herself to the hospital. As she's headed down the
road, she's moaning in pleasure and desire, because the dildo keeps making her
HAVE UNBELIEVABLE ORGASMS. Because she's swerving all over the road, a motocycle
cop pulls her over!! The cop wants to know if she's been drinking, and she says,
"Officer...I wasn't drinking! It's all because of the voodoo-dildo!"
And the cop says, "Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
Update. Short takes
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Laying Off Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah
and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work
overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making
enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both
Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way
to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a
break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible
headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and
goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith
follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm
going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"
The Gift. A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note:
romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister,
he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a
pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves
and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man
sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have
chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier
to remove".
"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair
she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had
her try yours on for me and she looked really good".
"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again".
"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as
they will naturally be a little damp from wearing".
"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you
will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love".
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
Italians. A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat
themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she
hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two
asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more."
"You foul-mouthed wop swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I was only tellin' my friend here how to
spell Mississippi."
Update. Newly Weds. There were these newly
weds that were both virgins and nervous about the wedding night. Finally when it
came, the wife took off all of her clothes and went under the covers while her
husband took off his clothes one by one. First he took off his socks and his
toes were messed up. His wife says "What happened to your toes?" He says "I had
toelio". She says "You mean polio?", but he said, "No, toelio". Then he takes
off his pants and the wife sees that his knees are all banged up and weird. The
wife says "What happened to your knees?" He says "I had kneaseles". And she says
"You mean measles?" and he says "No, kneaseles". Finally he took off his
underwear and she says "Let me guess... small cox?"
The Bet. A little old lady goes to the Bank of Canada one day carrying a
bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to
open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into
the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She
says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The
president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies,
"Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can
never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my
bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not
square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money
involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to
witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous
about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls,
turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until
he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the
bet. The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at
the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats
the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president
agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they
can see. The president does this. The little old lady looks closely at his balls
and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, "$25,000 is a
lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that
the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady
, "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him
$100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in
my hands!"
The Camel. A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert
outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied
out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour,
"What's the camel for?" The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from
anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the
camel." The Captain said "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all
right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain
could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The
Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The
Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As
he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked
the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sergeant replied, "Well
sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Superman. One day Superman is really horny and sees Wonder Woman
sunbathing on a beach naked! He gets an idea... "They've always said I'm faster
than a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her
powers. So he zooms down and does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can
notice. All of a sudden WonderWoman sits up and says, "What the was that!?!".
Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, "I don't know but it hurt like
hell!"
The Flashing Wife. A guy goes over to his friends house, rings
the bell. The wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, Chris, he went to the store."
"Well, do you mind if I wait?"
"No, come on in."
They sit down and the friend says, "You know Sara, you have the most
beautifully shaped breasts I've ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I
could just see one."
Sara thinks about this for a second and figures, what the hell, a hundred
bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows him one. He thanks her
and promptly throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, " They are just so beautiful!
I've got to see them both. I'll give you another hundred if I could just see
them both together."
Sara say what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.
Chris thanks her and throws another hundred bucks on the table and says he can't
wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird
friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well, did he drop off the 200
bucks he owes me?"
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